I chose to get past the stigma and investigate whether or not I had diabetes because I had run out of options. I have tried dieting and exercise, acupuncture, thyroid treatment, hormone treatment, sugar-free and wheat-free diets. Nothing I do seems to make the scale budge. I can't even remember how I arrived at the decision to investigate diabetes or how I found the site www.bloodsugar101.com. I ended up reading the book by the same name as the site and was shocked by what I read. The author, Jenny Ruhl turns everything I previously thought about diabetes on it's head. She says "While people with diabetes often are seriously overweight, there is accumulating evidence that their overweight is a symptom, not the cause of the process that leads to Type 2 Diabetes". What? Diabetes causes weight gain instead of the other way around? To top it all off, she goes on to list increasing evidence that diabetes may have many causes including environmental pollution, autoimmune or viral attacks, and genes. The fact that diabetes and obesity are spreading at a faster rate than food consumption and lack of exercise patterns to me seems to suggest something "bigger" is going on here. Perhaps we are literally "catching" obesity.

Please read the article You Did Not Eat Your Way to Diabetes because she explains this so much better than I can. I have read it multiple times in order to help myself feel better about diabetes. I have been testing my blood sugar for a few months now and it appears that I probably have diabetes. But thanks to Jenny Ruhl's book, I am okay with this and believe that treating it might turn out to be my path to weight loss. Much more to come on this topic.

After feeling so bad for so long and having so many failed attempts to feel well, I feel like I am at rock bottom. I started to analyze my "depression" and how it seems to be getting in the way of doing the exercise that I need in order to lose weight. My depression feels much more like what I imagine chronic fatigue syndrome must feel like. I simply have no energy. And when I say "no energy" I don't just mean for vigorous exercise. It's hard to admit this but I mean that I can barely function and have been feeling this way for about two years with the last year being the worst. I spend most of my day laying down. Any small movement makes me feel dizzy, exhausted and sleepy. In a given 24hr period I average about 12-16 hours of sleep and I don't feel rested when I am awake. I am barely functioning.

Typing in a list of symptoms brought me to a condition called "Adrenal Burnout". I'm not sure if this is my problem but I think it warrants further investigation given the extreme nature of my exhaustion. Here are a few symptoms associated with adrenal burnout:

• low blood pressure
• low body temperature
• low blood sugar
• chronic exhaustion
• need for excessive sleep
• decreased perspiration
• muscle weakness
• depression
• weight gain
• symptoms not helped by thyroid medication

As far as treatment goes, there seem to be no quick fixes. In fact, many web experts suggest it can take anywhere from 1 to 5 years to fully recover, depending on the severity of the problem. This is not good news for me (or could it be a life-changing opportunity?) at this point in my life. I have decided to consult an acupuncturist before doing anything else because that was next on my list of treatments to try anyway. I will keep blogging on my acupuncture experiences and adrenal burnout.

I had mixed emotions after reading this article. At first I felt a little defensive because the author starts out by making fun of Suzanne Somers and her extreme hormone and alternative medicine regimen. The author writes, "Who could look away from Suzanne Somers's sad but captivating efforts to turn back time?". Now, I'm not defensive about Suzanne Somers or Oprah, but I am a little sensitive about people making fun of women's attempts to push the science of women's health further. Suzanne is wacky and makes and easy target. But what is so funny about Suzanne putting hormone cream in her vagina? (I can almost hear the author snicker at the word "vagina") There is nothing funny about a woman losing her libido or natural lubrication. We are living longer these days and losing your sex life at 50 could mean another 50-60 year-long celibate lifestyle. *Shudder*

On the other hand, I ended up agreeing with pretty much all of the criticisms of specific guests and advice that Oprah had on her show. The author said that Dr. Oz and Bob Greene give solid health, exercise, and diet advice but much of the rest is quack medicine. Along with the author, I too objected to Oprah's vague testimony about her struggles with a thyroid disorder. I felt like her shows with Suzanne Somers only focused on the pros of biodentical hormone replacement and totally dismissed the risks. When she discussed her own use of hormones and had guests on, they had only been on hormones for a few days. I too felt great the first few days/weeks on hormones. It wasn't until a couple of months into treatment that I began to have serious side effects. I saw the same short term results displayed on Dr. Phil shows on the same topic with his wife Robin.

I have experienced both quality and crap treatment from alternative and traditional medical practitioners. I have a healthy skepticism of both fields. I also have faith in both fields to provide solid medical care under the right circumstances. I experienced great healing for a weakened immune system from a Naturopath when I was a teenager. The birth of my first child was a competent and pleasant traditional birth in a hospital setting with an epidural. The prenatal care of my second pregnancy was rudimentary and incompetent and almost caused the death of my child. My life and the life of my son was saved by a compassionate, intuitive, and experienced midwife. This pattern has continued to present day. I went to a Suzanne Somers style doctor for thyroid and hormone treatment. The treatment for my thyroid was ineffective and my progesterone treatment was disastrous. However, the testosterone cream cured a life-long struggle I have had with my libido and revolutionized my sex life. This has been such a boost to my quality of life that it makes all the other pain and suffering worthwhile. It was so nice to be taken seriously when it came to my libido and treated with respect and dignity instead of the usual squeamish reactions I got from doctors when I brought it up.

Recently, I went to a traditional doctor to attempt to investigate my thyroid problems further. I got a young, arrogant, know-it-all who dismissed my symptoms and recommended anti-depressants. At this point, I ultimately feel let down by the entire medical community when it comes to thyroid and hormonal disorders, a.k.a "lady problems". Both fields have a long way to go when it comes to understanding the science behind women's health and treating women with respect and dignity when it comes to sensitive medical conditions. The alternative to "no treatment" that many women receive from the traditional medical community should not be "quack" or reckless alternative  treatment. Female endocrine issues need the same type of marketing PR that breast cancer has received. We deserve better than this!

This was the advice a caller received on NPR's Talk of the Nation radio show yesterday on What Really Works for Weight Loss. The caller stated that he used to be 400 lbs but is now a competitive bicyclist. He said those words from a friend and bike store owner changed his life. His statement seemed to ruffle the feathers of one of the show's experts but this quote resonated with me.

It reminded me of the main point of the book The Road Less Traveled, “Life is difficult". The author, Scott Peck gleaned this idea from the Buddhist principle, “Life is suffering." Peck said that spiritual growth must include self-discipline, delayed gratification, and understanding the consequences of our actions. This seems like a perfect recipe to me for lifelong weight managment. We want life and weight loss to be easy and pain-free but is that realistic?

The three main times that I have lost weight have been relatively easy. The first two times I was nursing and even though I did exercise and watch my portions somewhat consistently, I didn't ever push myself too hard, especially when it came to fitness. The third time I was on Adderall for ADHD and it was a powerful appetite suppressant. I rarely exercised that time and still dropped 55 lbs in 6 months! When it comes to exercise and healthy eating, I have an extremely low tolerance for pain or sacrafice, a.k.a, lazy. My modest weight loss efforts are not weilding any visible results so far so I think it is my time to learn how to suffer.

While compiling the links for this post, I ran across a NPR slideshow of unpublished photos of Marilyn Monroe from Life. Neat!

• worn enough fabulous clothes
• had enough orgasmsTripple Wide Casket
• created enough memories with my children
• found my adopted sister
• taken my family to Australia
• spent enough time with friends
• gone on a cruise
• something esle too private to list

I am going to do this fiber regimine for one month and record my results. Not sure what to expect at this point, besides a lot of gas. This is a great time for me to try this because I am not working so I can stay home in order to protect the public. I am hoping that it will help me lose some weight of course but am not sure if 30 days is long enough to see any results. Hopefully it will be long enough to establish my fiber habit. We shall see!

Today I decided to buy myself all the exercise equipment I need for my weight loss journey. When I am jogging I am always wondering how far I've gone. I always forget to buy or bring a water bottle. When I'm out in the sun I worry about my skin getting burned.

I decided enough going out to exercise unprepared. Why is it so hard for me to spend money on myself when it comes to fitness? Enough already! My body deserves to be well equiped.

So here's my fat burning, muscle building, health and fitness shopping list:

1. Quality pedometer (measures steps, distance, time, and records up to a week of workouts)

2. Sauna suit

3. Stainless steel (environmentally friendly and non-toxic) water bottles of various sizes

4. Jillian Michaels workout video

5. Mineral sunscreen